Little White Lies

I can’t make my mind up about little white lies.  So I thought I’d open it up for public debate!  You see, I think that deceit has a strong tendency to come back to haunt you at a later date.  Sometime those little white lies, turn into goddam scary ghosts!  Yet there are times when to tell the truth would ensure an unnecessary argument, disappointment or depression.

So is it right to tell a little white lie to protect the feelings of someone else?  And is it right to tell a little white lie to make yourself feel better about letting someone down in the gentle hope that they will accept that? 

I have a friend with whom I talk to a lot on the phone.  We instinctively know when something is up with the other but both, being great networkers, have a wonderful ability to avoid any subject, deflect a response with a glib often self deprecating remark and aptly change the subject to one where we feel more comfortable responding.  So how does that work? 

Simples!  You ask a question.  Now, it is useful to have a few of these up your sleeve.  I am impressed with some of the options indicated in this forum: http://www.physicspost.com/physicsforums/topic.asp-ARCHIVE=&TOPIC_ID=7584.htm

We know instinctively when we are being fed a line or a story – don’t we?  The trouble is, if we question the validity of the tale we are suggesting the teller is being other than sincere.  Dare we question that? What if we are wrong?  How does that look then? 

Well since I have no spatial awareness I’ll have to dodge those questions lest I trip myself up!!  Have a listen to this track by Jenniffer Kae.  It’s great!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RshqhzTOiPQ

Alternatively, we can blame Ricky Gervais as the Inventor of Lying – that kind of works doesn’t it?  Does anyone want to go see it with me?

5.5

Four Hugs a Day

Seriously – you have to listen to this first! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JuDQyXZf524

You need four hugs a day just to start feeling good! Indeed the moment you feel an all embracing hug you can’t help but smile – you really can’t. It’s an automated emotional reaction. Whilst you don’t have the physical connection, smiling at someone is almost as laudable as giving a hug.

If it seems inappropriate to actually approach someone and give them an enormous double-armed embrace or even a kiss on both cheeks, then do please give them a fervent grin. It will work equally as well. Let’s face it if we need four hugs a day then we probably need to send out a minimum of four smiles – don’t you think? The more smiles we give the more we will are likely to receive.

However, what happens if you are not in visible or physical contact and you only have your words to convey a hug! If, like me, you work remotely and want to inculcate your care – what do you say?

Here are five of my favourites: they convey a certain erudite energy to your fond thoughts you are sending.

 Work with me on this – give me your hand.

 Hope you are doing well – do tell me.

 We can only see stars when it’s dark – look up.

 New friends await you – lucky them.

 Whistles and bells – well done you.

Will you share some word hugs that work for you?

PS when you string a series of hugs together into one written communiqué it becomes a cuddle. Imagine the energy you generate from a cuddle!

PPS As I have been a little Blog quiet recently, I have included four engaging words of the week. :0)

5.5

I’ve lost my place and now it can’t be found!

I have never watched Life on Mars or indeed the sequel Ashes to Ashes but given that they are titles of tunes by my songster hero, Bowie, perhaps I really ought to.  Indeed I so love the lyrics in this Scissor Sisters track “Return to Oz” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOt1hBMBV74.

So what else might I be missing out on (just because I prefer not to interact with the big black box in the corner of the room)?  Thanks Steve for that quote! 

Most of us at some time, for one reason or another, find ourselves in a place where we didn’t intend to be.  Sometimes this can be a good thing, at other times it is a good thing but we just don’t know it yet.  I call this ‘lost’.  It is never that bad.  But to find our way back out again we need to sift through the debris. 

Some of the aftermath is useful information.  If we can process this and place it into the future scheme of things then it is worth analysing and drawing out the learning.  Some of the aftermath is useless information.  If, as we process it, it ties our minds in myriad knots then this is not doing us any favours. 

The information may well be worth something in the future when we decide to drawn down on it but for the moment it is just adding weight to the drowning process.  Let it go. Anything worth hanging onto which we discard now will come back to us when the time is right and if we keep an open mind.

6.3

Love Letters

I have been thinking about love letters this week; a lot, and wondering if they are a dying art.  I wrote and received love letters when I was a teenager (ok it is a long time ago).  But I still have all of these.  They weren’t necessarily about love, per se, but a lot of teenage angst, some pen pal friendship, and quite often, regret.

Thing is that you can write love letters about any aspects of your feelings.  The fact that you may be angry, disappointed, sad or fearful, it is just as important to communicate, as it is, your love. Indeed the fact that you are communicating is an expression of love regardless of the emotion.

Ok – I am not entirely sure that this is making sense so let’s talk about a friend who has not talked to either of her sisters in two years because they have reacted in an aggressive way to a perceived situation of my friends making.  I am, of course, not assuming any right or wrong here, but the sisters have not spoken for two years.

When compiling her love letter she should write to her sisters assuming they are reading it with love and understanding. When she is communicating her emotions she should tell of her anger, then her fears, then her regrets.  She should finish with her declaration of her love.

After signing off she must add a PS.  The PS is the essential call to action.  What does she want the recipients, her sisters to do?  Call? Text? Email? Visit?  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lm6Zkjz3i8&feature=related

We quite often live our lives with regrets of things we have said or could have said and done.  And yet we need not perpetuate this if we write a simple love letter. 

Now I am not suggesting that these cannot be communicated by text and email but for me this doesn’t really work.  The thing is with love letters is that you need to express not compress.  This means elaborating with words.

The Games We Play

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BR6NJlk1_A

It is often said that body language plays a huge part in conveying the feeling behind what we are communicating.  This is followed, not closely but, by tone of voice.  The words we choose to use have been relegated to a mere 7% of the context.  However, in my opinion, that 7% can be so very powerful if used well.

I was talking to a friend recently about how, whatever we say and do has an impact on how another person thinks and feels.  Regardless of our perception of the communication, theirs will be conditional on how they receive the message.  Moreover, how they think and feel about the message influences their behaviour.

There is, perhaps, a more important component in the words we use, in that the language can actually effect how we feel about a situation.  If for example we use aggressive words to express our disgust about an issue, it is likely that we will believe we are in that state.  What good does that really do us?  Do we really want to be disgusted, pissed off, furious?  It raises our blood pressure, our heart rate, churns the stomach, irritates the ulcer, and mentally makes us feel bad.  When we feel like we are losing, it is natural to fight to regain our territory; which raises our blood pressure, etc, etc, etc. 

However, if we change the words that we use and smile; we just may be able to influence a different outcome for ourselves and for those we are communicating with. 

I admit to being pretty cheesed off, nay peeved with a certain building society (Nationwide) that having taken over Portman a couple of years ago became my mortgage provider by default.  I had recently requested an extension to the mortgage terms which I have found to have been processed incorrectly. 

There have been six phone calls; none returned including the one where I had been cut off by the operator.  I have had one letter with a half hearted apology, and an un-cashable cheque due to an incorrect spelling of my name.  Then, Friday I changed my tact after what seemed to me to a whole load of bureaucratic baloney; smiled and said “I am ‘peeved’ that this has got this far.  I do believe that this can be corrected.  What do I need to do to sort this out?”  Of course, this did need to be repeated several times however …

The cheque and a believable apology arrived by recorded delivery this morning.  Thank you Sybil, you are forgiven! (Name disguised to avoid embarrassment!)

7.9

What’s in a name?

 Valery Coburn gave a wonderful seven minute Toastmasters speech on how important your name is.  Her take on this was that your given full name was very powerful in terms of setting out your personality.  Shortening the name is tantamount to killing its resonance.  ‘Why would you want to shorten Diana to Di?’ – she asks as an example.

She mentions that for years she was happy to be referred to as Val but when she reverted to Valery her personality came alive and since then she has refused to be referred to by any other. 

I, too, have a take on names, primarily from a networking perspective …

1. Most people go networking to meet other business people and get known to them.  It is much easier for people to remember your name if you wear the BADGE!  
2. Wear the badge high on the right hand side of your body so that when you shake hands it remains in the other person’s sight lines.  Don’t wear it on your table your, hip, or your bosom.  It just isn’t appropriate!
3. The brilliant BXC badges are colour coded to indicate whether the wearer is a member (Black), a guest (Pink) or a coordinator (Blue).  It helps you to identify opening questions. It is worth checking out other club etiquettes.
4. They have your name first, and business name second; because people by from ‘people’ (they know, like and trust).
5. To make it easy for people to see and read; the brilliant BXC badges are typed in a large readable font size in Bold and everyone’s badge is in the same format. 

Finally do take your own badge with you to all networking meetings in case the event organiser doesn’t provide them.  If they do, then wear the one that they provide.  Or … surreptitiously wear both.  Help people to remember you.

I leave this Blog with a poignant quote from a favourite of mine, Dale Carnegie:  “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language” and Fort Minor’s ‘Remember The Name’ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eEyWkOiVbHA 

Perception V Reality

In his book ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’, the late Dale Carnegie tells the story of Two Gun Crowley.  This is a man who was sent to the electric chair for shooting dead a policeman.  Crowley said of himself ‘Under my coat is a weary heart, but a kind one – one that would do nobody any harm.’

It was a gentle reminder by a new friend of mine, that people’s perception is their reality.  We were discussing an acuity he has about how people see him.  So entrenched was he in his belief, that his percipience could well be marred.  However, the constant repetition of his perception further ingrains his belief and further encourages others to accept this as the truth.

It doesn’t take much to build a reputation that you don’t want but a lot of effort to build a reputation that you do.  It is worth recognising that people will trust whatever good you say about yourself only when it is backed up by appropriate actions.  Whereas, self-deprecation whilst denied may be believed when you repeat it enough. 

Moreover, people are happy to take the word of others, gossip, even tittle tattle when the stories are colourful.  Plus they might add their own embellishments for good measure.  Reputation it’s not just a personal thing:  watch closely now … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKVPMEZNCuo

Break the Apathy

My good friend Paul Booker responded to an earlier Blog.  http://thehiddenedge.wordpress.com/2009/07/18/pondering-the-passion.  He declared that the Labour Party, TUC and cooperative movements have lost their way as they are no longer needed in the new millennium.  That may well be true but his is just one version of vision and there may be others with a different view. 

What stuck me was how similar many of the minority parties are, each with its own specific agenda.  Moreover, how disunited they are.  After a long old chat with the Green Party representative I asked him why the party doesn’t link up with the Lib Dems?  Ops!  I might have just lit a match in order to blow up the Houses of Parliament! He categorically stated that the Green Party would not coexist with the Lib Dems just to prop their election chances, as much as they (The Lib Dems) would like this to be so. 

And there I was considering, in my liberal (small l) fashion how compromise would help the Greens to achieve their agenda.  Their current political standing in the government is somewhat short of irrelevant.  Later, I spent quite some time studying a Socialist Party of GB newsletter.  I recognised a significant correlation between this party’s’ stated beliefs and my own.  However, when I got to the declaration of principles, it stated … “The Socialist Party of Great Britain enters the field of political action determined to wage war against all other political parties”

Why would these minority parties not wish to coalesce? 

Here is my view.  Is it possible to be a social capitalist?  I do believe it is and for those really interested I consider myself as a Eudaemonist – but I digress.  We already have at least, two middle of the road parties, adding more can only further dumb down the voice of the electorate.  Polls tell us that many are unhappy with the current Labour government but none too happy with the alternative Conservative.  There is too little to differentiate the two other than the individual personalities within.  Their politics are so middle of the road that is has become bland and the electorate has become bored.  What have they to argue about; nothing except for petty’s sake? We pay dear taxes to afford them that privilege.  When we vote in the middle of the road, we get mediocre politics.

Middle of the road politics should not be confused with the middle path.  Since neither extremes of socialism nor capitalism work because of human nature, the middle path offers an alternative.  If the country wants the best from each system; accepting consumerism whilst employing ethics, stoics and virtues then there needs to be representatives in Westminster that can articulate the diverse opinions of the people.  What’s more, if every vote counted, the electorate may well be more disposed to selecting a voice; the one that it believed in.  And so to proportional representation.

The Labour government promised a referendum on how we elect our MPs, when it came to power in 1997. We are still waiting.  In 2005 Labour got a massive majority in the House of Commons despite six out of ten people voting against them.  Moreover only 48% of the voting population actually did.  That means this massive majority in Government represents, at best, 22% of the total voting population. If you think this is unjust and want to add your voice for change; try these links:

http://vote4change.bluestatedigital.com and www.fairvotesfordorset.org.uk

Mmm!  Of course proportional representation could lead to a hung parliament at the next election.  So what of a coalition vision for 21^st century politics? Or would a coalition be no better than the middle of the road politics as we currently have?  I hope I’ve offered some food for thought – please feel free to vocalise!  Here’s One Voice http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PX7ktZF6U4Q

Perfect for Blog Unblocking

It’s a tiny bay situated on the Southcoast betwixt Crowlink and Beachy Head.  Nestled between the third and fourth of the Seven Sisters, Birling Gap was once a smugglers cove, and an outlet for ill gotten swag.  How the plunderers scaled the chalk cliffs and traversed the rugged heath to East Dean … escapes me.

Complete with gelid, deep green glints of frothing sea that speak of shipwreck tales and other sad ghosts, it was exactly where I wanted to be.  Here I knew there would be no excuses, no chores, no piled up work to stop me from penning words that have been forming in my mind; most of which are half forgotten.

However, if you are interested in words- watch this space; in the meantime here is one of my favourite Bowie tracks that captures the landscape, the ambiance and my mood perfectly:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3MWTnUnL8k

Slippery Paws

There once was a fox and a wolf that set up cave with one another, half way up a steep cliff near to the seashore.  Although this may seem odd, they did get on very well.  They went out hunting all day together then of an evening because they were so exhausted they ate supper, then fell asleep.

It may well have remained that way had it not been for the greediness and cunning of the fox who as it turned out was not so clever after all. 

One dark December night, there was a dreadful storm at sea.  The rain lashed down, the sea broiled so that in the morning the shore was strewn with spillage.  When daylight broke the two ventured forth to scavenge amongst the wrecks and chanced upon a great keg that had been aboard a ship on its way back from Ireland, where, world knows, they make the best butter.

Wolf so excited did a little jig; “Marrowbones and tripe” he squealed.  Then he cleared his throat and continued.  “What a supper we will have tonight”.  He licked the saliva from his chin with his girt big tongue. 

Quick witted wily Fox was also fond of butter.  In a flash he made up his mind that he would have the booty all for himself.  He wittered witheringly “Think my friend.  Why break up this keg of butter when the barnyards are still full of grain for the stealing?  And the farmyards are still stocked with fattened ducks and poultry.  No! No! Let’s bury the keg in lieu of the time when the barns are bare, the grain is gone and the poultry is passed onto market.”

Reluctantly, Wolf agreed and together they dug the hole, buried the keg and set off on their next hunting spree. 

A month had passed when Fox flung himself down after a full days hunting.  “Alas! Oh dear! Alas!” He cried “Life is such a heavy burden.”

“What’s wrong?” Wolf responded with sympathy.

“Some friends of mine, who live yonder the furthest hill, have asked me to be Godfather to their girl cub, Kerry.  But it is such a long way!”  He simpered.

That evening Fox left but not for the yonder hills, instead for the hidden keg of butter.  About midnight he returned a little fatter and somewhat sleeker.  Wolf who was dozing half opened his left eye, grunted and turned over.

On two further occasions within the next month Fox was again asked to be the Godfather of cubs.  One to be called Gold and one, Beurre.  Wolf thought that it was an interesting trio of names but then, he didn’t speak French.  After the third, the peculiar run of invitations ceased and Wolf thought nothing more of it.

Another month passed and food was becoming sparse.  Wolf, one day, suggested it was time to dig up the keg of Irish butter.  Wily Fox willingly agreed; he had already worked out his cunning plan.

The two dug up the keg which, unsurprisingly, they found to be empty.  “This is your work” Fox accused Wolf.  “Whilst I was out at the christenings you have been here and have eaten up all the butter – how could you?

“Not I” Wolf denied “I have never been near the spot since we first buried it.”

“It must have been you”. Insisted Fox “No one else knew it was here except you and me.  No wonder your fur looks so sleek of late.” He lied.  Wolf was actually looking quite mangy. 

They continued to argue all the way back to the cave.  Fox accusing Wolf and Wolf protesting his innocence.  Then Fox caught up in the moment demanded “Are you prepared to swear that it wasn’t you?

“I do swear that something despicably horrible should happen to me if indeed I have eaten the butter” countered Wolf with his paw and head held high.  He added “now it is your turn.”

Fox’s face fell.  He’d been caught out.  Whilst he was wily; he had been properly brought up and knew that it was a terrible thing to falsely vow.  He made every excuse he could think of but Wolf got more and more suspicious.  Since he could not tell Wolf the truth he eventually uttered “I do swear that if it had indeed been I who ate the butter then I should be struck down with a deathly punishment.” He ended with a horrific howl.

Wolf was shocked, having heard Fox’s oath.  He thought that his recent suspicions must have been unfounded and was now ready to let the matter rest.  Fox was relieved and muttered that some other must have stolen their spoils. 

In an uncomfortable silence they sat on opposite sides of the big wintery fire in their cave.  After a while Fox was becoming hot, hot, hot.  His conscience was pricking away too.  He needed to get some air before he was … sick, sick, sick.  In his rush for entrance he failed to notice the grease that had had been oozing from his paws.  As he tried to gain his balance, he slipped , tripped and skidded but failed to halt his assault at the mouth of the cave; a cave that was halfway up a steep cliff close to the sea shore.

And so be aware that slippery paws will lead to a fatal fall.

4.2